Best parenting books you should read

The focus of parenting books for parents is on building connection, healthy parent-child relationships, understanding the brain development of children, gentle parenting, science-based parenting literature, and assistance with constructive discipline. These best-selling parenting books were authored by parenting experts who are pioneers in science-based and positive parenting.

If you’re going to spend the time and money to read a parenting book, it should, in my opinion, make you feel better than you did before, but not quickly or inexpensively, with ten steps or a “plan” for success. The best parenting books, on the other hand, ought to make us feel better in a complex, hard-truth manner. Things (like our children) are beyond our control, but at least we aren’t in this alone. In this article, you’ll be introduced to the best parenting books all new and probably old parents should read.

Best Parenting Books

• Your Two-Year-Old by Louise Bates Ames & Frances L. Ilg
• Becoming Attached by Robert Karen
• All Joy and No Fun by Jennifer Senior
• When Partners Become Parents by Carolyn Pape Cowan & Philip A. Cowan
• Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne
• The Child, the Family, and the Outside World by D.W. Winnicott
• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
• The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
• No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury
• The Second Shift by Arlie Hochschild, with Anne Machung
• Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
• The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller
• Queenbees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman
• How to Hug a Porcupine by Julie A. Ross
• NurtureShock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman
• Unequal Childhoods by Annette Lareau
• Supernormal by Meg Jay
• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
• The Gardener and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnik
• The Philosophical Baby by Alison Gopnik
• Like a Mother: A Feminist Journey Through the Science and Culture of Pregnancy
• No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind
• Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids

 

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Your Two-Year-Old by Louise Bates Ames & Frances L. Ilg

This book is one in a collection of the very best short books on child development. They all follow the same general formula: here’s what you’re dealing with, here’s what tends to work, isn’t it fascinating! do what works, and it will get better soon. They’re all quite small — about 150 pages (of which one-third are black-and-white photo illustrations of kids from the ’70s) — and are all quite short. Goddamn, I adore them.

Despite being psychologists and co-founders of Yale’s Gesell Child Development Institute, the late co-authors Louise Bates Ames and Frances L. Ilg’s writing style has a conversational, encyclopedic feel to it, as if they were describing a close friend they had spent their entire lives observing and contemplating. But since she is your child’s friend, someone must be watching her from the great Yale tenure in the sky (then hopping in a time machine to publish these books in 1976, 40 years before she was born).

Perhaps your mother has read these about you. Ask to borrow them if necessary. I can assure you that they are not overly boomer-authoritarian and will simply improve your attitude toward your child. Remember, says Your Three Year Old: Buddy or Enemy, “television can be your friend.” “When utilized carefully, it can keep a child content, well-behaved, and out of trouble for a long time.” Laugh when the writers’ best suggestion for stubborn 3.5-year-olds is to enroll them in preschool since it will teach them how to behave with adults who aren’t their parents. – Author Meaghan O’Connell

Becoming Attached by Robert Karen

This in-depth study of the origins and present rebirth of attachment theory raises intriguing issues like How specifically did my parents destroy me for all future relationships? — M. O.

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All Joy and No Fun by Jennifer Senior

If you’ve ever thought, “Is it just me or is being a parent horrible in a specific particular way right now?” this book is a terrific resource. Perhaps a rhetorical question, but Senior has persuaded me that the response is “Yes.” Former New York staff writer Senior adeptly guides readers through the depths and breadths of contemporary fatherhood in a voice that is perceptive, empathetic, and probing, inspiring either a solace-inspiring self-forgiveness or a burning fire under one’s ass (both, one hopes).

To capture the deeply relatable day-to-day survival that characterizes life with kids, Senior built her book around portraits of a select group of American families from across the nation. Senior accompanied these families to soccer games and PTA meetings, sat with them at dinner, interviewed them during naps, and was present for all of their activities. Senior effectively demonstrate what has changed and what hasn’t by incorporating 50 years’ worth of psychology and sociology of motherhood research. (The bibliography from her book would make a great curriculum.)

Senior comes to the distinct conclusion that this particular cultural moment is the result of the junction of inadequate structural support and great emotional engagement (coming from having children later in life, freely, and expecting to be satisfied by them). Senior’s book repeatedly makes clear that the aspect of parenting that most significantly influences parents (and consequently children) is the daily, lived experience of raising children.

When Partners Become Parents by Carolyn Pape Cowan & Philip A. Cowan

This ten-year longitudinal study of the effects of parenthood on the romantic partnership, which Senior cites throughout her book, is incredibly uplifting (it’s not just you). Since its publication in 1992, very few books have been able to portray the ups and downs (mainly downs) of couples during the crisis of new parenthood in this way. — M. O.

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Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne

You must be prepared for that because this book is a classic patent troll. Read it when you’re feeling emotionally strong, ideally when you realize that things are about to get simpler. I feel as though I can now finally take a breath. Where can I find a man who can Kondo my family life? (The author’s first name is Kim, and yes, I did feel cheated when I discovered he was an Australian man and not a Scandinavian woman hired to spread the word about toys made from natural wood.)

What Payne suggests is comfortingly logical and, well, wonderful. Payne urges parents to limit their children’s access to toys, TV (well, “no TV,” but I’ve already changed the book in my head), stressful extracurricular activities, and toys, as well as to filter out too many adult knowledge like the news and shop conversation. I first scoffed at this last proposal, but while I was listening to NPR while traveling to preschool, my child asked, “What do hurricanes do? In other words, do they make people die or what? Do we experience hurricanes here? Okay, good. I got it.

Let’s pretend that the term “soul fever” doesn’t appear within these pages. However, I found myself more intrigued by Payne’s underlying thesis: that it’s worthwhile to revisit our long-forgotten ideals about how we anticipated our family lives would look when we can or when we have the breathing room.

The Child, the Family, and the Outside World by D.W. Winnicott

Make amends with the enormously famous pediatrician and psychiatrist who popularized the idea of the “good-enough mother.”

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

When it was released in 1980, this book instantly became a classic, and it has since sold millions of copies. When you show it to a bookseller, they may sigh loudly or say, “Oh yeah,” but there may also be bitterness in their voice from all the times a customer has stood in front of them and tried to recite the title. Is it yellow? using block letters? What do we discuss while listening? Regarding… talking?

In any event, trust the constant hysteria. Every time I think of this book, I experience a rush of tender feelings for it. These feelings, however, swiftly give way to a desire to be re-parented, ideally by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, the book’s co-authors. Together, the two have six children, but for the sake of simplicity, they only refer to their small composite children while writing in the first person. The resultant voice is endearing and humorous, filled with humility and compassion, and sounds like Anne Lamott might speak in a parents’ support group without any of the Jesus-related material.

Each chapter of this book covers a week of the writers’ actual parenting workshop, which is the book’s framework. If you find that to be overly cheesy, consider the genre, my god. Despite the corny threshold, keep in mind that this entails voyeuristically reading about a group of eighties adults as they discuss their emotions, their quite precise conflicts with their children, their expectations, and their exasperated helplessness (all with a blessed lack of hand-wringing about The Dangers of The Internet). I devoured it.

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The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

For the parent who is skeptical and is unmoved by anecdote (fine). Similar to other books on acceptance, this one uses fundamental neuroscience to support its claims. For instance, understanding the brain regions that are active during tantrums may alter how we respond to them.

No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury

Although Lansbury, a former actress, and model, has spent years instructing parenting workshops in Hollywood, she has found greater success as a prolific writer, podcaster, and all-around toddler consultant. I’m not sure if my mother’s friends and I are joking when we just refer to her as “the guru.” Her best-selling books are collections of her greatest blog articles that she self-published. When I requested a review copy via her website’s contact form, Michael L. promptly responded, introducing himself as “Janet’s husband and Mailroom Supervisor.” According to Lansbury’s overall attitude, we should treat children with respect and endeavor to accommodate their needs wherever possible.

For two reasons: (1) The phrase “without shame” appears in the title and shame may be one of the most dominant negative emotions in my life; if there’s anything I want to spare my son, it’s that; and (2) Lansbury brings a self-aware resistance to a dogma that is refreshing and reasonable. Normally, I don’t like “schools” of parenting (and anything overarching when it comes to kids). However, I make an exception for Janet. She doesn’t appear to want to completely stress us out in the course of helping our kids develop into their greatest, most authentic selves.

That last statement is what makes Janet the most endearing to me; without it, a lot of what she supports would appear overly hopeful or ludicrous. You should recognize the boundaries of your patience before allowing your child to cross them. You don’t need to “respectfully” urge your toddler to stop kicking you in the face. She counters that because they are young, they need to know that you are in authority. According to the guru, a parent should have the cool, “unruffled” demeanor of a CEO.

The Second Shift by Arlie Hochschild, with Anne Machung

Because it’s simpler to maintain composure when you don’t have to handle everything domestically yourself. Although it is a few decades old, this ground-breaking picture of working parents and how they split domestic duties is tragically still applicable today. I initially read this as a college freshman, and I still frequently reflect on it.

Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

The whimsy of sibling dynamics determines so many aspects of our personalities, including how we dispute, what we value, how competitive we are, and how much and what kind of guilt we have. The authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, found this to be fruitful territory. The authors’ book on siblings features the same educational cartoons, amusing group-therapy structure, and refusal to forego complexity in favor of a message that can be easily understood.

The most effective parts are in-scene at their parenting workshops, where the parents are portrayed first expressing desperate exasperation and disbelief, then revealing a bounty of alluring interpersonal anecdotes from their childhoods, and finally coming to an actual reckoning. Specific tactics are provided for everything from handling violent physical fights to avoiding comparison and overdetermined family roles. Siblings naturally fight. They naturally compete with one another for resources (actual and emotional). How many of us can hang out with our siblings for more than a few days without turning into cranky teenagers?

The book ends with middle-aged parents calling their siblings, who are occasionally estranged and frequently just resentful, and discovering that they can forgive them or at the very least empathize with them and connect with them in a way that they couldn’t before they witnessed the dynamics play out in their children. The book makes the case that there are strategies to handle this inevitable situation and lessen its impact. The only reason this seems opulent to you is that you haven’t read the book yet.

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The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller

File under: books to help you straighten up your junk before you cycle through again. Whether a child is gifted or not, this book captures a certain family dynamic that I frequently see (particularly in myself): children who learn all too rapidly how to satisfy their parents at the price of genuinely knowing what they enjoy or desire.

Queenbees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman

This novel served as Tina Fey’s Mean Girls’ inspiration and primary source material. You decide if that’s a disclaimer or a recommendation. Although somewhat alarmist, Queen Bees seems to speak to kids on their level, which is presumably why it is so successful (or maybe that’s just the hyper Christian nerd in me speaking?).

Long before she introduced us to Girl World and the taxonomy of teenage girls, Rosalind Wiseman had been visiting high schools and doing workshops with teenagers. There are many things Wiseman could be accused of, but not missing the chance to make money. There’s the Mean Girl, the Wannabe, the Bystander, and the Banker.

Wiseman takes the difficulties, power relationships, and high-stakes fears of Girl World seriously, unlike some who could be more dismissive. She possesses a strong sense of empathy for and insight into the larger picture, including issues of intimacy, self-worth, and trust, in addition to the drama and competing for social position. Because my kid is still in preschool, I have the luxury of being able to relate to teens more than parents of teenagers, who frequently seem to be entirely out of their element in a way that makes me think of the early days of parenting a newborn.

This is a dilemma that is unavoidable and intrinsic to raising a child, if the abundance of books about parenting teens is any clue (my personal favorite, by title if not painfully corny content: Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy!). But acknowledging that does not make the situation any easier. This book would be a little mercy for someone raising an adolescent because it touches on topics that your child would be too ashamed or annoyed to explain to you on their own.

How to Hug a Porcupine by Julie A. Ross

Parents of children who aren’t yet mean girls: This book eases you in with a cute cartoon porcupine and is packed with advice and recommendations (as well as a plethora of metaphors, be advised).

NurtureShock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman

This book is the ultimate collection of articles about detrimental parenting trends written in magazine style. Its marketing language makes the claim, “Why our instincts about children can be so off the mark,” and promises actual evidence and the always alluring debunking of conventional wisdom. I don’t want to come out as negative because NurtureShock is a fantastic book that makes its arguments without exploiting parental worry. If anything, the book seems to claim that the problems are the result of our misguided agitation, despite chapters on children needing more sleep, being praised excessively, and being classified as brilliant too early. I couldn’t help but feel the impulse to tell my husband all of my fascinating new “really” Child Facts, to which he would politely reply “Wow.”

The highlight chapter is a remarkable exception to the book’s overall argument that parents should worry and interfere less. Its subtitle, “Why White Parents Don’t Talk About Race,” ought to make it mandatory reading for everyone involved. It is foolish and harmful to try to train your children to be “color-blind” since children do sense difference, especially in terms of race. Avoiding the topic increases the likelihood that your kids will internalize the embarrassment and believe you are racist. Some people may find this to be intuitive, but we should all keep in mind the significant effects of concepts we may believe to be “instincts,” “common wisdom,” or “convenient theories for me.”

Children are contradictory and complex, cannot be hacked, and should be allowed to develop on their schedule are just a few of the book’s principles, which make for a less-than-easy read. The fact that the authors were able to produce such a financially successful book (the confrontational title helps) speaks something about both their skill and good intentions.

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Unequal Childhoods by Annette Lareau

This book was a ground-breaking analysis of the often surprising (to some!) roles class and race play in American childhoods. It also examines the “concerted nurturing” approach of the middle-class parent and has been cited by everyone from Jennifer Senior to Malcolm Gladwell.

Supernormal by Meg Jay

If you haven’t already recognized them or made fun of them, GRIT and RESILIENCE are the parenting culture’s most in-demand qualities. Of the two, grit is the sillier because it conjures images of both dirt and a southern breakfast dish. However, who doesn’t want to be strong? Who wouldn’t want it for their kids?

With this book, veteran clinical psychologist Meg Jay pushes us to consider our preconceived notions of resilience and to consider what’s going on inside a child we want to commend for overcoming hardship. Children are good at adapting—almost too good in some cases—and their coping mechanisms may be keeping them from connecting with adults as adults. Do you ever feel certain that others will adjust to you when adaptation is a way of life? Would we rather our kids have a sense of intrinsic value or have them hide behind their accomplishments?

The story revolves around anonymous former clients, though Jay interweaves cutting-edge brain research, famous narratives (Marilyn Monroe’s time growing up in foster care, for instance), and some wise psychoanalytical counsel. Each of Jay’s exceptionally bright patients is introduced to us, and she then describes their difficult but frequently typical backgrounds—they are kids whose parents are divorced, alcoholics, or dead; kids with disabled siblings, or kids with abusive coaches—as well as their present feelings of loneliness, exhaustion, or depression.

According to statistics Jay cites, more than half of people had faced trauma in childhood. Despite feeling weird, these individuals are not abnormal, despite our romanticization of their resiliency. Most of us, to some extent, grow up to be like these kids. Perhaps to be the kind of parents who can truly see and embrace their children, we must all pay attention to our crap. This will help us avoid the trap of choosing to appear to be “doing well” at the expense of feeling okay.

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

Although this book isn’t specifically about parenting, my childbirth experience left me with some slight trauma that I only fully understood after reading it. I feel better for having read it and more prepared to recognize how trauma—beyond the buzzword—is at work in so many of our experiences as a parent and a citizen.

The Gardener and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnik

At UC Berkeley, Gopnik teaches both philosophy and psychology. In her most recent work, she investigates “the new science of child development” and what it has to say about the relationship between parents and children. She begins by criticizing the language we use to discuss raising kids, noting that the term “parenting” and the cottage industry it has spawned were both created in the last 30 years. As intending to and caring for one’s garden, we ought to talk about our kids in terms more akin to gardeners. A gardener is open to, even appreciates, the vagaries of her plants and has no illusions about having control over them. She is open to being shocked. She is aware of the plants’ independent growth.

Gopnik argues that we must have such vulnerable babies with such prolonged childhoods for a reason using evolutionary psychology, neurology, and animal behaviorism. Children are designed to be messy chaos agents, she says with the joyful detachment of someone whose children could only be grown. No matter how many parenting manuals we read, they are designed to learn via play and exploration and are excellent at it. They will, in the vast majority of cases, come out perfectly fine. Though I can think it could take becoming a grandma to truly inhabit, it’s a wonderful thought and a welcome corrective.

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Other common parenting books you should read

The Philosophical Baby by Alison Gopnik

If you need a reminder that kids don’t just donate because they’re cute, read Gopnik’s earlier work. Gopnik takes us on a tour of babies’ developing consciousness and demonstrates how much we can understand the fundamental issues in human nature by observing the tiny, shrieking companions we are doing everything in our power to keep alive.

Like a Mother: A Feminist Journey Through the Science and Culture of Pregnancy

because development occurs in everyone, not just children. Garbes describes her journey into parenthood and reminds us of the physical changes our bodies go through during pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding. She does this with a much-needed feminist perspective and a treasure mine of understandable scientific insights (the placenta alone!). The fundamental premise of Garbes’ book—that women truly do know what they need—serves to emphasize all the ways that systemic support gaps and inequity make life more difficult than it needs to be, particularly for women of color. One of our most culturally traditional acts, becoming a mother, according to Garbes, “is also the point where we can break with our most restrictive, confining traditions.”

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No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind

From the authors of The Whole Brain Child, this bestseller employs strategies for identifying and improving your discipline philosophy. Siegel and Bryson prompt parents to calmly and effectively connect and communicate instead of just reacting to behavior. Reviewers love the mindful approach to parenting for helping diffuse tantrums and outbursts and helping improve communication between them and their children. Offering practical advice backed by science the book is an easy read featuring illustrations and relevant stories.

Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids

Raising Good Humans is a manual for instilling compassion and self-assurance in children while simultaneously encouraging introspection. The book includes several mindfulness techniques to support parents in communicating and resolving conflict without simply responding, and it urges parents to consider their patterns and behaviors. In addition to being described as enjoyable to read, many reviews also say that it is a useful and crucial tool for fostering serenity despite the craziness of parenthood. Divided into two sections, part one offers advice on how to interrupt reactionary cycles, while part two offers advice on how to communicate and solve problems. — C. R.

FAQs

Are parenting books worth it?

According to research, parenting books can harm new parents, increasing women’s stress levels and raising their risk of postpartum depression. The message that you’ve already failed is present throughout these manuals.