The media and society bombard us with pictures and messages every day that tell us who, what, and how we should be. We are made to feel as though we would no longer feel inadequate if we could simply appear flawless and live ideal lives.
In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown, PhD, a renowned authority on shame, authenticity, and belonging, offers her findings from ten years of study on the effectiveness of Wholehearted Living—a method of approaching the world from a position of worthiness.
As a result, the majority of us perform, please, and perfect while wondering, “What if I can’t keep all of these balls in play?” How come nobody else is putting in as much effort or meeting my standards? What would others think if I gave up or failed? At what point do I cease proving myself?
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About the Author
Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston, where she is also the Graduate College of Social Work’s Huffington Foundation Endow Chair. At the University of Texas at Austin McCombs School of Business, she is also a visiting professor of management.
Over the last 20 years, Brené has studied empathy, shame, vulnerability, and bravery. Her podcasts, Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead, have won awards, and she is the author of six #1 New York Times best sellers.
Brené’s works, which include Atlas of the Heart, Dare to Lead, Braving the Wilderness, Rising Strong, Daring Greatly, and The Gifts of Imperfection, have been translated into over 30 languages. She co-edited the internationally acclaimed anthology You Are Your Best Thing: Vulnerability, Shame Resilience, and the Black Experience alongside Tarana Burke.
Having received over 60 million views, Brené’s TED presentation on the Power of Vulnerability is among the top five most viewed TED lectures globally. She focuses much of her time on developing more daring cultures and leaders in organizations all across the world. The Center for Daring Leadership at BetterUp appointed her as its executive director in 2024.
Together with her husband, Steve, she resides in Houston, Texas. They have two kids, Ellen and Charlie, as well as Lucy, a strange Bichon.
Review
This book was the first one I purchased in May 2011. I don’t know why it spoke to me specifically, but I do know that I was searching for books that would increase my self-esteem. I believe the title struck a chord with me because I became aware of my struggles with perfectionism.
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Embracing my shortcomings, showing empathy, and forgiving myself while also striving to improve as a person, employee, friend, lover, and so on. It speaks to me now because I realize how much of a perfectionist I can be and how difficult it is for me to forgive myself for previous transgressions and try not to define myself by them.
I’m struggling with allowing myself to feel guilty enough to change, but also with forgiving myself and not allowing those actions to define who I am as a person.
How was this addressed in the book?
These words from the book, in my opinion, really capture the essence of the message: “Perfectionism is really about attempting to get acceptance and approval…. The goal of healthy striving is self-improvement. The focus of perfectionism is on others—what will they think? …
Because we frequently assume that the reason we suffer guilt, criticism, and blame is because we weren’t good enough, perfectionism is a compulsive behavior. Therefore, instead of challenging the flawed reasoning behind perfectionism, we solidify our desire to live, appear, and accomplish everything flawlessly. Brene Brown from 2010-09-20. Imperfection’s Gifts (pp. 56–57). Hazelden. Available on Kindle.
I learnt from this that perfectionism deceives us into believing we have it all, making us feel powerful, connected, and in charge. However, the fact that it is a lie in the first place makes it ultimately unsatisfactory. We are not flawless, invincible, or in control.
Second, it calls on us to alter who we are, and the connection we most want is one that is founded on getting to know someone well. Therefore, we must embrace the fact that we are flawed, fragile, and powerless if we want to feel both connected and recognised.
While it’s clear that connection is a major source of happiness, Brene also discusses other types of happiness that perfectionism stymies, such as fulfilling employment, fun pastimes, artistic pursuits, etc.
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Once more, we frequently don’t even try to have pleasurable things or we downplay the amount of joy something is bringing us in order to feel less hurt when it goes away since perfectionism tries to give us a sense of control and so tries to eliminate the chance of loss.
Additionally, the book offers many excellent ideas for overcoming the feelings of inadequacy that underlie perfectionism as well as strategies for embracing imperfection’s vulnerability. The significance of guilt as a hindrance to self-acceptance, love, and joy was another excellent subject the book addressed (and that it made me aware of).
(However, as you will see below, for more on this poem, I highly suggest its sibling book). Additionally, I adore Brene’s focus on honesty as an objective. It’s inspirational and interesting.
Where I have yet to find closure:
She suggests connecting with others and sharing your experience as a way to cope with feelings of guilt. However, I have some reservations about that:She doesn’t go into great length on HOW to build such friendships or WHO has the right to hear your tale. It makes sense that you might not have such friendships if you are reading the book.
If you’re struggling with emotions of inadequacy and developing your authenticity, you could have surrounded yourself with judgemental and inauthentic individuals because you need their acceptance.
Even if you have a few kind and kind friends (which I consider myself fortunate to have), they must always be willing to listen to your humiliation when you need them, regardless of the “stuff” they bring to the table.
If they share your feelings of guilt over X today, your attempt to connect with them might make them feel even more ashamed, and they could “imperfectly” push you away. I wanted her to discuss those circumstances more. Having a sympathetic ear to listen is wonderful, but even with the finest friends in the world, you can’t always count on them to be there for you when you need them.
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What if you are a “gusher,” in the early stages of addressing your inadequacy issues, and you experience shame “a lot”? This is true even if you catch your pals on a day when they are feeling fantastic or are able to be present to your needs and your shame. You may push them away and turn into an emotional drain. I was looking for further details on how to deal with connecting with people during shame situations or how to self-soothe.
I’m still unsure of how I’ll be able to apply this theoretical knowledge to my everyday activities. Will I be able to lean into the guilt rather than the embarrassment when I do something “wrong”, especially something I have done wrong a hundred times before? Is it possible for me to embrace the vulnerability? Will I be able to see the weakness in my surroundings?
I am aware that practice is a major factor in this. and identifying tactics that work. However, I believe that intellectual knowledge is the first step, and if that is something that is important to you, this is definitely worth reading.
Additional Resources:
I thought it was just me, but it’s not Brene’s other book, Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power. This is a really good book about shame. Before reading it, I had no idea how essential shame was, but I can assure you that it taught me a lot.
It discusses the “gusher” in Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life, but you can read the condensed version here on the Huffington Post website: Dr. Judith Orloff: Are You a Gusher of Emotions? (Amazon would not allow me to provide the link, but it should be readily available through search.)
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Summary
Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection is a manual for accepting flaws and leading an authentic life. It encourages readers to let go of the urge for perfection in order to develop bravery, empathy, and connection.
Brown engages our minds, hearts, and spirits in her ten guideposts, which explore how we can develop the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, “I am enough, regardless of what gets done and how much is left undone,” and to go to bed at night with the thought, “Yes, I am afraid sometimes, but I am also brave.” Furthermore, even if I am flawed and fragile, it doesn’t alter the fact that I deserve to be loved and accepted.